I wrote my latest Viva Brighton column about my experience getting married. For your convenience I have also copied it below, it’s a nod to Buzzfeed and Nora Ephron. In true wedding blog style, in this special ‘bumper’ edition I’ve also included some production credits at the end. If you’re getting married soon, I recommend doing everything my way.
“You’ll probably baulk at this one…” I wrote to Viva’s editor, when he asked for this month’s column ideas. “… ‘Things I learnt by getting hitched.’” There’s no way he’ll publish a piece about my wedding, I thought, cheekily. Wrong! He asked for more, so I dashed off a list of things I gleaned from the experience and, to my surprise, here it is in print, like a backhanded compliment. Take from it what you will, while I get back to feeding my husband co-dydramol for the back injury he sustained trying to make our home half-habitable before the big day.
- Today you are a bride, tomorrow you are a wife, but if you spend the morning of your wedding day siphoning off pork fat, you will be prepared.
- Some craft pompoms in preparation while others dig trenches. Do not think less of yourself, or your marriage, if you and your spouse-to-be fall into the latter group: at least you are in the same camp.
- Think ‘Changing Rooms’. If you keep a skip in your drive until the day before the event, your guests will be doubly impressed by your efforts.
- Be prepared for well-wishers to say things like: “I hold more store for your marriage than I did for my own.”
- If you don’t invite the school friend you haven’t exchanged text messages with in four years, they will unfollow you on Twitter.
- You will over-cater, but if you don’t ensure the catering is in the same place you are at all times, you have not provided enough.
- Look out for emotional curve balls and auspicious signs.
- If you approach your fiancé with extreme haste at the aisle, everyone will know you mean business.
- Your underwear is like a magician’s trunk, but only you need know. A good bride keeps the pins in and her mouth shut.
- Is a bad bride a good wife? Probably.
- A good photographer is one who is prepared to shout: “Side boob!”
- If you specify egg and cress sarnies and sausage rolls for the mother-in-law, she will eat falafel.
- Dogs hide sausage rolls.
- Your aunt will enjoy asking your art-school friends about their drug consumption, but because you are now married, she won’t ask if you are on them.
- Your girlfriends need to do more training/steroids before they attempt to crowd-surf a 13-stone bride.
- The best man wears a wedding gown with more confidence than you; it’s just as well you bought two outfits.
- You need bridesmaids because if you ask your maid of honour to do a speech, she will be too nervous to help siphon the fat.
- A good party breaks all of us at times; a good wedding breaks you, your dog and your child.
- If you spend the evening of your wedding day mopping up vomit, see 1.
- If you didn’t know why you were getting married beforehand, you will after everyone has left.
We were married on 20th Sept at Lewes Town Hall. I wore a jumpsuit by Malene Birger and gold sandals by Boden, he wore a burgundy tonic suit from Jump the Gun and DMs. The super-fantastic Tina ‘CanTina’ Horvath did the catering, and provided the accompanying pineapple chutney and ‘slaw that made my pulled pork mountain special/edible. Flint Owl Bakery made the bread. My bouquet and daisy crown (stolen from my three-year-old daughter) were made by the most talented Wendy Bell. Our photographer Justin Wood deserves an award. The evening reception was held at the unmistakable Café des Artistes.