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My wedding: what I learnt

I wrote my latest Viva Brighton column about my experience getting married. For your convenience I have also copied it below, it’s a nod to Buzzfeed and Nora Ephron. In true wedding blog style, in this special ‘bumper’ edition I’ve also included some production credits at the end. If you’re getting married soon, I recommend doing everything my way.

“You’ll probably baulk at this one…” I wrote to Viva’s editor, when he asked for this month’s column ideas. “… ‘Things I learnt by getting hitched.’” There’s no way he’ll publish a piece about my wedding, I thought, cheekily. Wrong! He asked for more, so I dashed off a list of things I gleaned from the experience and, to my surprise, here it is in print, like a backhanded compliment. Take from it what you will, while I get back to feeding my husband co-dydramol for the back injury he sustained trying to make our home half-habitable before the big day.

  • Today you are a bride, tomorrow you are a wife, but if you spend the morning of your wedding day siphoning off pork fat, you will be prepared.
  • Some craft pompoms in preparation while others dig trenches. Do not think less of yourself, or your marriage, if you and your spouse-to-be fall into the latter group: at least you are in the same camp.
  • Think ‘Changing Rooms’. If you keep a skip in your drive until the day before the event, your guests will be doubly impressed by your efforts.
  • Be prepared for well-wishers to say things like: “I hold more store for your marriage than I did for my own.”
  • If you don’t invite the school friend you haven’t exchanged text messages with in four years, they will unfollow you on Twitter.
  • You will over-cater, but if you don’t ensure the catering is in the same place you are at all times, you have not provided enough.
  • Look out for emotional curve balls and auspicious signs.
  • If you approach your fiancé with extreme haste at the aisle, everyone will know you mean business.
  • Your underwear is like a magician’s trunk, but only you need know. A good bride keeps the pins in and her mouth shut.
  • Is a bad bride a good wife? Probably.
  • A good photographer is one who is prepared to shout: “Side boob!”
  • If you specify egg and cress sarnies and sausage rolls for the mother-in-law, she will eat falafel.
  • Dogs hide sausage rolls.
  • Your aunt will enjoy asking your art-school friends about their drug consumption, but because you are now married, she won’t ask if you are on them.
  • Your girlfriends need to do more training/steroids before they attempt to crowd-surf a 13-stone bride.
  • The best man wears a wedding gown with more confidence than you; it’s just as well you bought two outfits.
  • You need bridesmaids because if you ask your maid of honour to do a speech, she will be too nervous to help siphon the fat.
  • A good party breaks all of us at times; a good wedding breaks you, your dog and your child.
  • If you spend the evening of your wedding day mopping up vomit, see 1.
  • If you didn’t know why you were getting married beforehand, you will after everyone has left.

We were married on 20th Sept at Lewes Town Hall. I wore a jumpsuit by Malene Birger and gold sandals by Boden, he wore a burgundy tonic suit from Jump the Gun and DMs. The super-fantastic Tina ‘CanTina’ Horvath did the catering, and provided the accompanying pineapple chutney and ‘slaw that made my pulled pork mountain special/edible. Flint Owl Bakery made the bread. My bouquet and daisy crown (stolen from my three-year-old daughter) were made by the most talented Wendy Bell. Our photographer Justin Wood deserves an award. The evening reception was held at the unmistakable Café des Artistes.


About Chloe King

I'm a freelance writer, designer and webby type. I live with my husband and daughter in the south of England. I like to cook and can throw a good party.

3 comments on “My wedding: what I learnt

  1. November 24, 2014 at 2:05 pm

    I can’t comment because I’m laughing too hard. Chloe, this is pure genius. I wish I’d been a fly on the wall (or the butterfly on your husband’s finger, speaking of auspicious signs). x

  2. November 24, 2014 at 2:05 pm

    Oh and THAT JUMPSUIT! Best wedding ‘dress’ I ever did see!

    • November 24, 2014 at 7:05 pm

      Thank you Kate! It’s a fine suit indeed, with the pins in that is…

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